What Forgiveness Looks Like
Flash. A streaking blur of red to my right and that dirt road looming, consuming my vision as I glanced up, like the maw of an ominous beast coming to swallow me up. It wasn’t there and then it was. It didn’t make sense. Where did that dirt road come from? Impact. Confusion. For the barest fraction of a second: did I run over something and blow a tire? Oh. Oh, my God. Life can change literally in the blink of an eye. Black to white, up to down, in to out, forward to backward. We can’t even keep up, and yet still it happens. No rewind to this tape. No turning back. Darn it, time.
Distracted by my tumult of thoughts, loud music, and the beep of an incoming text message, I glanced down for a moment, and when I looked back up, I was being swallowed by that dirt road – the other side of an intersection I should have stopped and turned left at. Impact. The stop sign flashed by – no stopping on my part – and I collided with a man on his motorcycle. He flipped over the hood of the Tracker, and like a ragdoll thrown carelessly across a room, landed in the road, battered, broken.
The rest of the day was honestly a complete blur to me. Cars pulled off on the side of the road – witnesses to recount the horror and tragedy of what had just happened. Someone called 911. I went back to the car to get my jacket to pillow the man’s head. I vaguely remember calling my mom, Mom… I just got in an accident…
The rest of the day was colored by shock and disbelief. I stayed the night at my grandparent’s house, and the next morning they drove me to school despite the fact that my world had been turned upside down, inside out, and didn’t seem to make as much sense anymore. I made a go at having a normal day, but I just felt numb and had a magnified awareness of mortality like stepping out of the colorful picture of my life and walking into a grayscale story.
What? As if the burden of grief, uncertainty, and turmoil had physical weight, my back hit the brick wall behind me and I slid down onto the cold tile floor beneath me, curled into a fetal position, crying. Confused. Broken. Can I wake up now?
Another day passed, and a miracle happened. We found out that there had been a mistake, and that Mark (we knew his name by this time), was in critical condition but still very much alive in the hospital. A family friend had read about an accident that had similar circumstances and had been in the same area as mine, and the victim of that accident had died. Thinking this was my accident, we were misinformed. I’m not exactly sure how that even happens, but man was it a relief to know I actually hadn’t killed a person. For whatever reason, those couple of days are so hazy to me. I really remember almost nothing about that entire day I went thinking I had killed someone. I think that’s a gift.
April 24, 2009 Hi Carrie. Thank you so much for emailing me and for your prayers as well as your bible study group prayers. Let me just say that your prayers are being heard and answered. Physically I’m healing much faster than all the doctors, nurses, physical and occupational therapists have ever imagined. I have had virtually no to little pain for all the injuries I’ve incurred. I’m allowed to take 12 pain meds a day and I’m down to taking two a day. I may not even need those two. I’m testing those waters now. I believe being pain free is literally a gift from God. Emotionally and spiritually I’m even doing better. I have cried with great joyfulness, thankfulness, and deep gratitude that God has given me a second physical life! I get to love God, love my wife, and my 4.5 year old boy – again. That is why I’m so excited to let Rachelle know she is forgiven and loved by me but most of all, by God. I didn’t know Rachelle’s name until a couple days ago but she has been on my heart for the past week or so. I am SO thankful she wasn’t hurt. I could have been a semi-truck. I remember her crying out as she sat by me in the road and asking what she should do. I felt her pain. I know she was feeling tremendous anguish and guilt. I just want her to be completely released of that guilt and any anguish she may still be dealing with. I want her to know that I hold NO resentment in my heart whatsoever towards her but only love. In fact, I feel grateful for her because of the cleansing God has done in my own heart through all of this which is FAR more important to me than what physically has happened to me and I love her for that. The last thing I want Rachelle to carry with her is any guilt over this accident for the rest of her life. I don’t want the enemy to use this in ANY way. Let God get the glory and let love and forgiveness abound. Thank you for reaching out. Sincerely and with God’s abounding love, Mark
Did you know that you are forgiven? Whatever it is. You are forgiven. Forgiven and loved. Deeply. You can’t do anything to earn it or be good enough or cleaned up enough for it, it just is. Receiving it transforms you.